 Read | AND THE BEAT GOES ON . . . (Arts & Leisure): MUDCAT FALLS -- Like the lone Japanese soldier who fights on to hold his island, not knowing that World War II ended decades earlier, local Beat poet, Alec Stipplefurter, emerged from his cave-like basement apartment in the Barleycorn district of downtown for the first time in over forty years. "Ha . . . . |
| Read | UNDOCUMENTED ACTORS SUE SCREEN ACTORS GUILD (Arts & Leisure): HOLLYWOOD — Members of the migrant caravan who marched thousands of miles from Central America through Mexico to the U.S. Border at Tijuana, have filed a law suit against the Screen Actors Guild and the American Federation of Television and Radio Artists for discrimination. “We are willing to pla . . . . |
| Read | FIRST FACT FREE ZONE ESTABLISHED IN U.S. (News): MUDCAT FALLS — MUDCAT FALLS — The City Council voted unanimously at last night’s meeting to establish the downtown Barleycorn District as the nation’s first “Fact Free Zone.” Modeled on the Gun-Free School Zones Act (GFSZA) of 1990, the bi-partisan resolution prohibits any unauthorized indivi . . . . |
| Read | LOCAL COMPANY BEEF WITH SIR RICHARD BRANSON (Arts & Leisure): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION — A local company has filed suit against English entrepreneur and billionaire Sir Richard Branson. According to papers filed yesterday with the Calabash County Clerk of Courts, RK Meat Packing is accusing the flamboyant businessman, best known as the founder of the Virgin Gro . . . . |
| Read | PIE STAINS ON FAIR FUN (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- The 137th annual Calabash County Fair Pie Eating Contest was thrown into pandemonium -- figuratively and literally -- as charges of cheating flew like meringue on the Soupy Sales Show, following an official protest which apparently voided the final results of the competition, meanin . . . . |
| Read | REALITY COMES TO MUDCAT FALLS (Arts & Leisure): HOLLYWOOD -- Unbeknownst to all except cast & crew, reality TV has come to Mudcat Falls as principal filming is already under way -- and has been for some time, now -- for Work Release, scheduled for airing on UPN this fall season. "We actually green-lighted this project and got started well over a . . . . |
| Read | WAR OF THE ROSES (Arts & Leisure): MUDCAT FALLS -- The annual Calabash County Spring Home and Garden Show erupted in violence as two rival rose breeders, one armed with a patent lawyer and the other pruning shears, went after each other thorn and petal over alleged dirty tricks during the judging of the floral finals. The normally s . . . . |
| Read | FROM SECOND CITY TO OUR CITY (Arts & Leisure): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Special Agents of the newly established Department of Homeland Security swooped down on a Pistol Creek Junction Speedway convenience store yesterday from unmarked Blackhawk helicopters, backed up on the ground by a platoon of tinted-out, unmarked, black Chevy Suburbans, to . . . . |
| Read | OBAMAPOINTS: UNIVERSAL REWARDS PROGRAMS (News): WASHINGTON DC -- Much needed shopper relief is the the aim of new legislation introduced by Senator Fritz "Kingfish" Tweed and endorsed by the Obama Administration. The Consumer Loyalty Award Promotion Program Equality and Relief Act of 2014 aims to reduce the number of plastic cards carried by sho . . . . |
| Read | FED RAID SHUTS DOWN LOCAL BUSINESS (News): MUDCAT FALLS — A SWAT team comprised of agents from the United States Department of Agriculture and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission descended upon RK Meat Packing Company following up a complaint of discrimination and unfair business practices in violation of Title VII of the Civil Rig . . . . |
| Read | SOCIAL WORKERS SCROOGE HOLIDAY SHOW (Arts & Leisure): MUDCAT FALLS -- A special strike force from the Calabash County Department of Social Services swooped down on a packed Hoover High School Auditorium Saturday evening to close the drama department's holiday production of Oh Calcutta! A clearly perplexed Principal Essel Forskein was taken into custod . . . . |
| Read | SPEED RECORD DISQUALIFIED (Sports): BORDON -- The World Sailing Speed Record Council has disqualified a local man's bid for the world's fastest outright 500 meter speed on a windsurfer. Calabash County daredevil Willy "Hold My Beer" Patch claims to have bested the current record of 48.70 knots held by Finian Maynard of the British Vi . . . . |
| Read | ACLU CHALLENGES CALENDAR (Arts & Leisure): MUDCAT FALLS -- The ACLU filed suit in Federal Court on behalf of local atheist Chester McFuddlespud to force the Calabash County Government into abandoning the Gregorian Calendar under the Establishment Clause of the U.S. Constitution, as a tacit and impermissible endorsement of religion. The Greg . . . . |
| Read | MFTV'S MISSILE MISSING (Arts & Leisure): MUDCAT FALLS -- Sheriff's deputies were called up river to the La Fontaine Center for Alleviation of Announcer and Anchor Alliteration to investigate Saturday's suspected suspicious disappearance of Missile Smith, veteran MFTV news personality. Smith had quietly checked himself into the treatment c . . . . |
| Read | LOCAL AUTHOR A LETTERMAN BLOCK BUSTER (Arts & Leisure): NEW YORK -- Local author Alec Stipplefurter's television debut came to a screeching halt with his arrest for assault last night, after attacking David Letterman with an eight-and-a-half pound manuscript, causing riot on the set of the Late Show and leaving the late night talk show host with a nasty . . . . |
| Read | MTV TOP SECRET STUDY LEAKED (Arts & Leisure): NEW YORK -- A top secret study commissioned by MTV Networks to investigate and explain shifting viewership patterns is causing wide-spread alarm in the health, entertainment, insurance and legal industries, particularly with regards to a heretofore undiscovered causal link between boredom and morta . . . . |
| Read | NFL, NCAA FIGHT FEDERAL CSI LEGISLATION (Sports): NEW YORK -- The National Football League and the NCAA have joined forces to fight proposed federal legislation to create and fund independent Criminal Sports Investigation units in the Department of Justice to forensically investigate referee reviewed plays. "Anyone who watches television on Thursd . . . . |
| Read | FAIRWAYS ABLAZE FROM SNEAK SURPRISE (Sports): SPIDER RAPIDS -- At approximately 8:00 AM Sunday morning, combined infantry and calvary forces of Hatfield's Cemetery Ridge Paintball Field launched a bold and daring bonsai attack on the neighboring Spider Rapids Country Club, catching golfers, caddies and groundskeepers completely by surprise. "R . . . . |
| Read | MTV POLITICOS UNPLUGGED (Arts & Leisure): NEW YORK -- After airing only one episode, MTV has pulled the plug on the Truth to Power Hour, a supposedly hip alternative to the usually drab Sunday morning news talk shows, hosted by actor Sean Penn and former Playboy Playmate Jenny McCarthy, which featured a decidedly alternative viewpoint on c . . . . |
| Read | EXPEDITION ENDS IN TRAGEDY (Arts & Leisure): TALLADEGA -- A National Geographic sponsored expedition ended in tragedy, when two researchers went missing and a sound man was seriously injured while on assignment in Alabama. Scheduled for airing later this year, the "Expedition to the Edge" episode was intended to explore "Darkest America" for . . . . |
| Read | JUDGE SIDES WITH LAW AND ORDER (Arts & Leisure): MUDCAT FALLS -- In a decision that has stunned legal scholars, experts and cable pundits, Judge Aristotle Needlemensch granted a defense motion for dismissal when the prosecution failed to present its case within sixty minutes in the murder trial of Edith Pickles-Smythe. District Attorney Jack Medd . . . . |
| Read | EXPLOSIVE IQ TESTS (News): WASHINGTON DC -- Senator Fritz "Kingfish" Tweed, vocal critic of the Bush Administration's policy in Iraq, called for immediate IQ testing on the Pentagon's arsenal of so-called "smart bombs" after errant munitions destroyed his SUV while parked at the Tweed family compound just west of the Limbaug . . . . |
| Read | LOCAL MAN SUES CLAP (Arts & Leisure): MUDCAT FALLS -- Chester McFuddlespud, proprietor of the local Sid & Nancy Museum, has brought a civil suit against the Congress of Liars, Apostates and Prevaricators for fraud, misrepresentation and deceptive trade practices. According to court papers filed with the Calabash County Clerk of Courts, . . . . |
| Read | HUNKPAPAS PROTEST GOES UP IN SMOKE (Sports): MUDCAT FALLS -- Six Native Americans picketing the offices of the "Hustlin' Hunkpapas", Mudcat Falls' beloved hometown Double-A minor league baseball team, were treated for smoke inhalation after a teepee erected during their protest over the team's name and mascot caught fire and burned down to th . . . . |
| Read | CLASSIC CLASH K-OS HACKER FAN FAVE (Sports): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Local fan favorite Bobby "Weed Whacker" Jones's Sunday charge to the top of the leader board at the Pistol Creek Golf Classic went awry with his errant tee shot on the notorious #12 par 3, indisputably the toughest swing on the storied Spider Rapids Country Club course. Jon . . . . |